I ‘ve been with my partner for two and a half years now. About six months ago I started having sex problems, and by problems I mean everything started to slow down, till it eventually ended up where we are now, in which I get very unwanted, occasional 5-minutes quickies. When we first got together it was great, we had hot sex all the time but now it’s so un-sexy it feels like the fucking North Pole. I just don't see it working itself out.
What can I do?
Desperate in Dallas, 27
So, Desperate in Dallas, it looks like you really need some basic training here. Luckily for you I’ve been studying this kind of stuff (you might want to pick up my book “From Mister Twister to Scissor Sisters: Rhythmically Obsessive Music is the Path to Happy Banging”) so I might just have the solution for you: 2CV’s “BASIC FIT” EP.
Usually, for fit training, acid is considered bad. We don’t work like that. Here, ACID IS GOOD.
Every day as you’ll wake up in the morning, make yourself a nice banana strawberry smoothie and do this:
5 x Burpee Nation to WAKE UP and START YOU UP with those analog toms and that TANANA TANANA. 3 x Sally Up Sally Down to groove that pelvic magic up with that seeeexy lead sound.
5 x FilthyFifty because to get to that 69 you gotta do 50s first.
5 x Sally Up Sally Down - MUGWUMP remix because it’s the best 10-minutes quickie you’ll ever have.
Don’t you feel sexier already? Go and shag the planet honey. YOU’RE A HORSE, YOU’RE A FUCKING HORSE AND THE WORLD IS YOUR PLAYING FIELD, NOW GO FOR IT, NIGHT DOG LUNATIC, SCORCHED HARMONICS. YOU’RE A HORSE, BEHAVE LIKE ONE.
BASIC FIT by 2CV is the first La Belle rec release featuring Sarah Jessica Parker on the front cover.
2CV is a really hairy, non-french post-disco dynamic duo who likes working with sound waves and big animals. They apparently created the band after some spinning and Gin & Tonic sessions in the living room.
They are incredibly talented, nice and professional people. They like horses. Their first EP featured horses too. Freud would have something to say about this.
MUGWUMP, the master of trans-genre dance music, is at remixing duties.
He is awesome but we don’t really know if he likes horses too.